Greetings Tired Friends!
If you follow me on social media you'll know that it's been a year since I was admitted to hospital last summer. That's where this story began, and the reason that I sit writing to you today, a year on. During quarantine there has been an abundance of time for reflection and today I found myself thinking about what I would say to the Me I was a year ago, knowing everything I do now. This post is going to be just that: an open letter to my past self.
Dear Me,
There is a long road ahead of you, with twists and turns you cannot foresee. Most of it will seem like terrible luck, but speaking as you a year on, you'll learn to see the positives. In fact, you'll learn lots of things, about yourself, and others. You will find a strength you never knew you had, and a true meaning to the word resilience. There are many things I wish you could know now, but I am glad you lived them for yourself. Here are a few things I wish I'd known when I was you.
I wish I had known that true friendship doesn't always reveal itself in the ways you think it will. When something happens that changes your life, you assume your friendships will stay the same, but they don't. It might seem unfair in the beginning, but it is a true blessing to know who the real ones are. A hundred people might wish you well, and mean it. When you have a chronic illness, people will get bored of hearing about it (how you're feeling or your excuses for not coming out) and go back to their "normal" lives, only you won't be able to join them. That will suck, but you'll get over it and it will teach you a valuable lesson about your relationships. You will no longer have excess energy to afford people who do not contribute positively to your life, so you will not bother anymore. Although that seems selfish, it is a necessary step to creating a happier life. Without this illness you might never have been rid of those who dragged you down, and whilst it won't be a comfort in the moment, hindsight will reveal an amazing view.
I wish I had known the value of the words "I believe you". Even if they were true, I often did say them aloud, not understanding how much people needed to hear them. I've known a wealth of people in my life with invisible illnesses, the majority of them mental health related. The trouble with mental health is that there isn't a diagnostic test for many of the problems people commonly face, so anyone can say they have a mental illness. Here's the thing though, if someone opens up and tells you they suffer with an illness, it costs you absolutely nothing to say the words "I believe you". For years upon years mental health has had a stigma attached to it, and people were humiliated upon asking for help. So if we reach a stage where the stigma is broken, and people feel comfortable saying "I have anxiety", "I have depression", "I have bipolar disorder", then haven't we achieved what so many people have set out to do? And the only way we can do that is if we remove the fear of judgement that people face when talking about their mental health, which I think starts with a simple "I believe you". You'll learn quickly that having an invisible illness opens you up to a lot of judgement, both from people you know and those you don't. It's something you'll spend a lot of time trying to fight against by raising awareness for the community. Even you didn't know before this. Even you would have made snap judgements, without thinking or knowing anything about it at all. You'll learn from those mistakes and hopefully you'll teach one or two people to not make the same ones you did.
I wish I had known that looking for the silver linings can change your whole life. Of course some situations are terrible, and they can't be changed. But often, the situations that seem terrible in your own life are not nearly as bad as they are in your head. It's a curse of being an over-thinker, and that won't change much. Except, when you overthink things, you'll try to end the thinking on a positive note. When there really isn't a positive in the situation, you'll learn to say "okay, this sucks" and move on. The bright side of having a fraction of the energy you used to is that you'll quickly learn which things are worth spending on and which things aren't. Eventually you'll realise that even though this new life is not what you wanted, it has, in some small but significant ways, put you in control of your happiness and attitude. I wish I had known that a positive attitude was much more energy efficient than a focus on the negatives. I used to think that focusing on the negatives would help me to fix them, and therefore I would be happier. The truth is, you can't fix every negative situation, and even if you could you would spend so much time doing so that you wouldn't get to enjoy the positive ones! In life you have to take the good with the bad, and not let the bad eat away at the good.
Finally, I wish I had known my own strength. I think about all the things I could have done when I had the energy capacity of an able-bodied woman - the same things I'm doing now but even bigger and brighter. I could have spent years writing and educating myself and others, advocating for people who felt they didn't have a voice. I wish I had known how important my own voice is in making changes in the world. When I was younger I used to dream about how I might change the world in dramatic ways, like initiating world peace somehow. Now I'm older I realise it isn't just about the enormous problems the world has, it's about changing someone's world. If I can change just one person's life for the better, then I know I am doing the right thing. If I can speak to a sea of people who are willing to learn, maybe one of those people will be the person who goes on the make the big changes in the world.
I wish I had known that I should rest. There's much work to be done.
Charlotte. X
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