Greetings friends,
I've been putting off writing this next post for a while because I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say on the matter, or whether to address it at all. However, I've had quite a few questions about what I'll be doing next year, so I'm finally sitting down and writing a response.
As most of you will know if you've read my blog before, I had plans to move to New York in September to conduct Alzheimer's research with an established research team at Columbia University in Manhattan. When I was offered the position, it felt like a dream I was scared to wake up from. So much so that I didn't write about it on my blog for almost a month. I was waiting for the penny to drop, that they'd offered the position to the wrong student, or they'd decided I wasn't qualified or something else. I was essentially waiting for them to admit they'd made a mistake and didn't want me to come after all.
I waited and waited for that moment. Each day I allowed myself to be slightly more excited than the day before. Each week I allowed myself to plan something else, where I'd live, what I'd pack, how I'd make friends. Each time I received an email from the team in New York my stomach dropped, but each time they were just catching up with me, asking how my year was going in Exeter, organising the paperwork for my visa, planning for my arrival. I walked around in a bubble. I felt untouchable, knowing that I would be somewhere new next year, somewhere exciting, doing something incredible.
Then came COVID-19.
The pandemic has affected so many people, in so many horrific ways. I know my placement year isn't even comparable to some of those things. I know friends who have lost relatives, funerals that have been attended via zoom, weddings that have been postponed and newborn babies who are yet to meet their grandparents. In the grand scheme of things, I am lucky to be in a home, with plentiful access to food and water, and relatively healthy. That doesn't mean the pandemic hasn't been difficult for everyone.
I've spoken in the past about there being this misconception in society that you can't feel a certain way because other people "have it worse". The problem with this is that pain, emotion and situations themselves are all relative. You are allowed to feel your own pain that the concert that you were looking forward to was cancelled, even if your friends’ wedding was just postponed. You are allowed to not want to get out of bed today because you're feeling low, even if someone you know just lost a family member. Nobody should have to dampen down how they feel in the privacy of their own life, because other people are also going through difficult times.
The borders are closed, I can't get a visa and I have no idea where I'll be next year, or what I'll be doing. I'm allowed to feel anxious, stressed and sad about that. I'm allowed to be frustrated because my clear-cut plan has fallen apart. I can feel those things without comparing my emotions to those of my friends, who have suffered at the hands of the pandemic.
Exeter university has provided those of us who planned to head off on external placements with a choice. We must decide whether we want to go straight into our final year of undergraduate study, and skip the placement year, or whether we want to wait until travelling is permitted. This should be an obvious decision, and it would be, if it weren't for the catch. If we are to choose to wait, we can only do so until January, as the required length of the placement to gain the qualification and pass the year is 9 months. If January arrives and the pandemic is ongoing, preventing travel, the placement will be automatically cancelled. Given that this would be an entire semester into the academic year in the UK, any student in this situation would not be able to return to the university until September 2021 to complete their final year.
This presents two main challenges for me.
For starters, September 2021 is 16 months away (16!!!) and not having a goal for that long would send me over the edge. It's been 2 weeks since my exams finished and I'm already looking up courses I can complete online so I don't go completely crazy and lose all motivation to get up in the morning. So, as a solution, I could get a full-time job. Something in an office, something that required me to be trained, to learn some new skills. It's not what I want to do long term, but it could be fun to get a taste of the 9 to 5 life, right?
Not quite that simple.
Even if, by some miracle, I could find an office job that I am unqualified for and have none of the training for with a company that was willing to hire me in this economic climate, I wouldn't be able to commit to any length of time.
I have this recurring dream at the moment (more of a nightmare actually) that I am offered an office job with great people who are so welcoming, and two months into the job New York phones me (yes, the whole state) and tells me I can now move there. The same day I pack up and leave the job, apologising profusely to the people who so kindly took me in (who never speak to me again). Then years later I'm at a job interview and the interview panel has studied my CV and this man with a frown permanently glued to his face peers at me over his glasses and says:
"You left a job during the aftermath of a pandemic after only two months of working there, with people who took you in even though you had nothing to offer them in comparison to the thousands of applicants who were already trained for the job?"
In the dream I don't say anything. I'm not sure why. I hope in real life I'd defend myself.
In the dream he continues to berate me for my selfishness. He tells me I'll be hard pushed to find a company who is willing to take on someone who is so unreliable, someone who evidently isn't a team player.
I've always hated the idea of letting people down, even strangers, even in dreams. This leaves me with a dilemma. How long do I wait before I go job hunting? Should I even do that before I know whether I'll be going to New York? Should I wait, potentially until January... another 6 months away?
All my questions sound rhetorical, but I welcome any advice...
Secondly, where the heck am I going to live?! I haven't got a place in Exeter, so if I were to go into final year, I'd likely spend it living with a group of strangers, instead of with my friends as most students do. Don't get me wrong, I've met some great people that way, but it's not ideal for my last year, and this late into the year I am very limited in terms of living spaces, so it might not even be a particularly nice house either...
Equally, I have nowhere to live in New York either. I had planned to rent a room in a flat in upper Manhattan, and this is still feasible. The difficulty is that I can't book anything until I know I am going, which could end up being a week before I move. So if anyone sees me sleeping under a bench in a sleeping bag next year, mind your own business and move along!
So there you have it: I don't know where I'll be this time next year. I am not being deliberately vague; I just do not know. The pressure to make such enormous decisions with very little insight into what the future holds is enormous, so for the most part I am pretending it isn't happening. I am pretending my plans didn't fall apart, pretending that getting on a plane is not virtually forbidden and that getting a visa isn't currently impossible.
So I am waiting. Waiting for an email that says I can't go. Waiting for an email that says I can. Waiting for something, anything to make the decision for me, so I don't have to. And secretly hoping that I'll be walking the streets of Manhattan before I know it...
Look after yourselves.
Charlotte. X
Comments